Children are not able to think logically when they are upset, and it is common for children to feel emotions such as anger and frustration. Even when they may understand something, they are still reacting only from impulse. Their feelings need to be validated and they need reminders that we are there to help (not reminders of what they already know not to do). Punishments like timeouts or yelling create feelings of rejection and discomfort. I do believe that every child and every experience is different, but some key strategies I’ve gathered from various trainings and experiences are: connecting before correcting, using honest language, providing alternative outlets, staying calm, validating their emotions, and providing clear and firm boundaries. In Pursuit of Balance, we have our 10 POB Practices that are taught to children AND adults, in order to help build a lifestyle where you’re able to honor and work through all emotions, in order to come back to a place of peace.
In these challenging moments when we’re able to be our best selves, we can: offer limited choices, acknowledge their emotions, and if necessary, physically place a boundary to stop unsafe behavior (throwing, hitting, kicking). Safety is not compromised when we honor emotions. At times, opportunities where we can ignore the behavior and allow them to have the release in a way where no one is harmed can sometimes be beneficial (screaming, squeezing hands together, hitting a pillow, chewing on a sensory chew necklace). And after they calm down and are out of what we call in Pursuit of Balance the “First Phase” you can then come together with them as a team to discuss and plan for future situations. Remind them you’re here to help them. As you get to know your child and their triggers, try to be proactive - like preparing for transitions with warnings and reminders.
Some phrases you may say to a child in challenging moments:
“I need to take that from you. Yeah, you didn’t like that. I see. That makes you want to hit, but I need to keep our bodies safe so I am taking that from you/holding your hand.”
“I see you’re having a hard time. I realize you can’t control yourself right now, so I’ll be here to stop you.”
“I notice that you’re having a hard time controlling your frustration. Throwing legos is not safe. I’m going to help you to stop” and hold their hands.
“I see that you’re feeling frustrated. I know that it can be hard to clean up your legos when you want to keep playing. Now it is time for us to leave. Would you like to clean up by yourself or would you like my help?”
“At 5:00 we will clean toys. What happens at 5:00?” Allow the child to repeat it back to you. Then you can even give a warning at 4:55, “ we have 5 more minutes.” and have them reiterate what happens again. “Ok, it’s 5:00 now it’s time to clean up.” Clear language, no negotiating.
“Let’s figure this out together.”
“When you can’t help yourself in these situations, I’ll be there to help you.”
“Yes, I see that you’re feeling frustrated.” Just stay present and calm, acknowledge the frustration, and don’t try to fix.
Say nothing, just offer a hug.
Last and most important, remember to give yourself kindness and grace through these challenging moments. You are doing the best you can with the tools you have! We’re all on our own learning and growth process and look at these challenges with your child as opportunities to help them! This isn’t forever, it’s just what they need help with right now.
I’m always here and open to connect if you have further questions!
With love & light,
Rachael Walston
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